I hate to feel this way...

God, I hope in this I'm not blind
as fantasy takes hold of my mind.
A real person is behind that face,
that voice;
those words.

Am I truly seeing the man behind that name?
Or rather
falling for the fantasy that exists in that space between
Waking and sleep
Sparks and hope?
I dont want to put high hopes lord,
But I'm not sure if I could bear the pain.


Is it love? I doubt..
But it grows.
I need to know him in the flesh, lord.
For curiosity kills this girl,
Distance makes me see this dream,
That which I want but can never truly have.

I..Am a dreamer;
Clutching to a mutual desire,
Completely unsure of where I stand;
Hoping, on faith, that I won't fall so deep,
Won't drown in the dream;
until reality fishes them out.
leaving myself on the shore
Cold and wet.
Alone.

I think I will give into this dream
though my nature hates to submit.
The decision is mine and tho blindfolded,
I submerge myself
and hope to God I don't drown.

Im feeling insecure...

I was jealous,
but I put up with it.
I tried to be there for you if I could,
but it picked at me bit by bit.

I told you that I cared,
I told you how it made me feel.
But you never believed me,
and that these feelings are real.

I asked you to tell me the truth,
I wanted to know exactly what was going on.
But you never had an answer,
I don’t think I would care if you were gone.

You lead me on,
then you let me down.
In my love for you,
I could easily drown.

I would lie, beg or steal,
if it would make you love me.
Is there anything that could make it happen?
Could you maybe open you’re eyes and see?

I wish that I had taken my chance,
that I had fought of the scare.
I'm ready to back off,
But are you??

~ anonymous~

I'm NOT Ok...

Its a mistake...It shudn't have happened...O God, help me to overcome this...Why do I always fall?? And once I fall, I'll fall down really hard... :-(

Once again, I fall for the wrong guy...WTF!! Or maybe I was in the wrong situation...All this while, I've been telling myself that I'm just confused...Telling myself that the feeling is not real...Keep reminding myself that hez not mine...and will never be...DAmNn!!

Am sooo foolish to believe that I might have a chance...Guess I'm too stubborn to accept the fact that he belongs to someone else...Great!! Im just hurting myself even more...Its my fault tho...Even though there are loads of other guy out there...I stubbornly choose the one that Im suppose to stand away from....Sometime, I just dont understand myself....*blur*
And why on earth is this soooo painful??!!!

For 2 nights, I've been sleeping-not-soundly-n-not peacefully with those thoughts...My mind is a messed!! Gosshh!! I even planned to go out and get drunk 2 night ago...But I guess luck wasnt on my side again...Some technical problem occur that no one picks me up and I got stuck at home...Crying myself to sleep when I think of it...Cant believe I smoke today tho...Hell ya...wtf...And its like me smoking for the first time for this situation...Well, Im not an addicted smoker ok...Stupid brother...Keep your cigars out of my sight laa!!!

"With you" is on the speaker now...Huuuhuuu...Reminds me of him tho...DaRrrnNN!! Instead of admiring my favourite song, am actually starting to shed tears...UuurrgrggHH!H!!!! I hate it!! Hate this fuckin feeling!! And why am I so fuckin emotional???!!!

Story with beautiful meaning...

A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared, so he asked his little girl,
"Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river.."

The little girl then say, "No dad, you hold my hand.."

"Whats the different??" Asked the puzzled father...

"Theres a big difference", replied the little girl.." If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chance are that I may let your hand go...But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happen, you will never let my hand go..."

So, dearest reader out there...Hold the hand of the person who loves you rather than expecting them to hold yours...

Yeah...I know..This story is tooo short..But it carries a lot of meaning + feeling tho...

This year Christmas Wish list...

"Let it snow...Let it snow..Let it snow..."
Haha...As if Malaysia will snow...In my dream laa...

Uh-huh....Its the time of the year again!!! Christmas!! *wee* 9 more days to go to this joyous day and miss demanding @ miss want-this-n-dat is listing out everything she want for this christmas...

Tho I know the chances of getting those thing as a christmas prezzie is impossible...*huuhuuhuu* But who cares...Its for fun tho...

So here goes...

1. Loads of tops and pants to wear for lectures next year...
2. Am soo in need of new gadget...The Nokia N81 or Nokia 6500 Slide or Nokia 5610 or Nokia N76... ;-p
3. Laptop!! Either Acer's or Compaq's..
4. Handbags...I want Guess by Marciano kismet Logo large satchel...Chanel's luxury small line flap handbag...Or Chanel's Cambon Line multipocket brown/beige CC...
5. Wallets...Guess's sign half flap purse...Chanel's cambon zipped wallet...or Chanel's 2.55 large wallet black..
6. Beyonce's True Star...Been yearning for it since last year..huuhuu...
7. Spongebob's soft toy...hehehe...The one I could cuddle to bed..
8. Silver necklace with my initial...
9. Gucci's 107 charm watch or Bonia's watch...
10. Loads...n loads of bars of CHOCOLATE...
11. New ADIDAS sneaker..
    
12. iPod Shuffle or iPod Nano 4GB...
13. Sony PSP...Its soo damn cheap now...!!!
14. A big tin of purple paint for my room..
15. Treadmill...
    
16. A car!!! ( yeah rite )

That all I guess...Am out of idea...
And I wish Santa really exist tho...Hrrrmm...

Im NOT in LOVE with anybody!!!!!! Geddit???!!!

Wtf...Give me a break!! I've got my own life to deal with...Not gona deal with u guys anymore...Or lets just say BOYS!!!

DAmnnNn...Cant wait for holiday...Hope am gona enjoy my shopping spree with ma free mind without having to think bout what had happen....
KL!! Spread ur red carpet for me!!!

Neway, diarrhoea suuxx!!! Yeah, im suffering frm it right now...AarrrhhH!!! Been in and out of the toilet for more den 10 times today...Huuhuu...Went to see doctor..He laughed when I told him "I mite be having diarrhoea"...*Ahhaakkxx!!! * Ok..So maybe it wasnt diarrhoea...But how am I suppose to know?? You are the doc tho...U tell me..Haaihh...

Worst, he asked whether I want to get the injection....My gawddd!!! Hell NO!!! Thanks god theres some weird looking drug for me to consume...And yeah...The salt too...I definitely need that since I've lost loads n loads of body fluid...

I wonder this sickness could help people to shed their weight...Hrrrmm...If so, I would love to have it all the time...*HiaakkHiaakk..Choi!! Touchwood!!*

Gosshh!! Im so into Linda Kiraly's Cant Let Go...Shez amazing!!! Love the beat, the lyrics and of course her voice....Am listening to it over and over and over again...hehehee...Oh ya, and not to forget Nicole's Baby Love!! Dont forget to spread the Bay~B love yea!!!
Quite impress with 'If Love is A Crime' and 'True Love' tho...Was introduced by a friend of mine....

Gona have my finals next week...To all ya readers, please..plishh pray for me...Really need it...Thanks tho...

Till den...Taa..taa...tikk tiik..tukk tukk...Dun wana be yaa!!!

*Smiling*

Errrmmm....How do I start this???

If ur heart doesnt pump so much but you could feel the adreanaline rush....Wat if he personally give u his number?? Surprise aite?? I am..Coz I never thought guys wud kindly give out their number, just like that...And wat if u're eager to see him all the time..Even when u're busy doing another thing....*woah!!* Wat if U dun mind him noticing u, glance you...?? Nah..I dun care as long as I get to see him see him all the time?? Rite?? You really wish he'd cum up to you and say a few words?? or maybe a simple "HI" [errmm, he did this and I was like.....] *grinning* Hez definitely tall and fair and got spiky hair (I love it!!)...*OMG* Wat u'd feel if he suddenly text u for no reason?? Duh!! Of course dat means he seldom message orang punya laa...Haaiizz....Do u feel special when dat guy whom u barely know (but ehem2) pinch ur cheek, or perhaps pinch ur hand playfully??? GoSh!! Wud you wake up extra ordinary early ever morning just to get ready and get to work extra early..I would!! *ahakxx!!*

ArrrhggghHHH!!!!!!! Wats this???? am I imagining things?? Of course NOT!! He do exist...But..wtf...Im soo soott...Wat am I thinking??He not ngam me leh..geddit?? Duno how to explain laa...Dats the ONLY alasan I can think of rite now..Huuuhuuu...Yeah, I admit..I do have crush on HIM...

We use to talk on the phone for like hours...Hehehe...He makes both of us laugh on silly jokes, censored stuff pun jadi tidak censored...Both disturb each other at work...Only when tokei nio not in..Ask him sponsore cloud 9..or else KFC...Ahaahaa..But he did bought me cloud 9..So sayang, shud have asked for cadbury or Ferrero Roche..Too bad, I just syok sendiri..I dun tink we'll ever get together...*tsskk..Tssskkk*....I never dare to take the risk...Haiyyaa...Cincai-cincai laa!!! *OMG!!Omg!!, Now Im totally veli soot liaww!! wtf...*

Now im still thinking bout whether I shud resign or continue my work for another month....Darn! Its really hard....I cant just resign..Wat if my class havent start?? Cos the school of my choice only start at july...wtf..I'll be so damn boring staying at home 24/7...Dun mention goin out...I wont get to go out everyday ok..Most definitely never ever go enjoy at nite...*me gud girl bah*...Ngaiitii....I live such a boring life..Dat is why I insist on goin to west m'sia to study...Hehehe....Ada udang di sebalik mee boh...But of course, I'd never ever gona neglect my studies if I really get the chance to go there and pursue my studies...*I mark every single word!!* Oh and ya, If i resign..I'd never get to see Him anymore..Huhuu...Maybe I wud, but not everyday ooo...*eee, gatalnye* Another reason I wan to continue is dat, I NEED MONEY $$$ FOR SHOPPING!!!

Now What??

*Damn*

I wasn't accepted to study in labuan..On matriculation..Got so damn F**kin dissapointed..Again..WTF!! Im totally blank right now...Y?? Harapan untuk sambung belejar di sekolah awam tidak tercapai...Haizzz!! The only place I can go is local college...But...Den theres a lot to tink of...*me not rich-rich people, ok* wtf...Sumore, Im 100% sure I wudnt get into UiTM...Duh!!! Binggung nye!!!! But Joanna n Hoss got accepted!!! Congratss yea!! Im happy for u oo...Eventho I dun get it...Huhuu....Its ok..best of luck for u guyss!!!
But mummy did suggest bout a-level...heheheh...But where??? Still havent decide oo...She did ask me to try Sedaya..But izit worth it?? Can I make thru it?? Hrrrmmm......Macam mane nie??? A-level not easy ooo...Need to have super-power-complicated brain den can score well...Me dun have tat kind of brain oo...Dtas why I got rejected from so many colleges...Arrrgghh!!! *curse me!!* I shud have push harder!!!

Ngaiti....

Tried BLOG WORTH....And guess wat?? My page worth only $1129 n 8cents...DUh!! So little nia meh?? Cannot la..How to earn $$$ if like dat??? *wink* Im not mata duitan laa..But really..this blog needs attention!! I feel soo 'jauh ke belakang liaw!!!' Now must find ways to menarik people's perhatian to peep into my blog..Kekekeke....Any idea for me???

"Wei u guys!!! After reading this...Help me promote laa..."

Would You Do Anything For LOVE??

You Would Do Most Things For Love

You are willing to go pretty far for love - but not far enough to compromise your core values. Love is a priority for you, and you'll go further than most people to hold on to someone you love. But killing for love? Or even taking a bullet? Probably out of the question. No matter what, you love yourself the most!

Would You Do Anything For Love?

Am I this kind of lover??? gosh....Sooo....UNBELIEVABLE....So its true den...Told u I can LOVE like heaven and HATE like hell...

Wana try it out?? Click HERE

Where to go???

For the past 5 month, I've been cracking my brain, deciding where I shud pursue my studies...Haizz....Binggung...Binggung.....

Shud I take Medicine???

Or Pharmacy??

Or Biotech???

Or Makmal Perubatan (not sure wats this atually)??

Auntie ask bout Nursing..

And mummy did mention bout Quantity Surveying...Ngaiti...Dat course never appear in my mind oo...Hish!! Makin merumitkan keadaan...

Am still waiting for letters offered by college or university...Yeah, Matriculation..Im so hoping dat I got accepted there...But memandangkan my SPM result came out so badly...I dun tink I got any chance...Peluangnya sangat-sangat lah tipis...or nipis???Aahhrrr!!! Watever laa..Dun open books for a long time liaw...Brain getting rusty each and everyday...Sumore Im not 100% bumiputera...Haizz...Dat makes my peluang semakin tipis....I really wished dey could see me...Picture pun cukup la...Den accept me as a bumiputera..Cause I dun even look like chinese..Duh!!! How nice...Dat makes my life easier...

Not just dat..I tried applying IPTA..Thru both online and form..Even use poslaju to send the form cause almost due date...hehehe...Too bad there are only a few courses dat im really interested in...Haiyyaa!!! Hantam saja la... *Fingers cross*

And then tried browsing thru net...Sememangnya terlalu banyak sangat pilihan...They are IMU, Sedaya, Marsha College, Penang Medical College, AIMST, Sunway College, Monash Uni, The University of Notingham Malaysia Campus (!walaoh eh), SIT International College,Twintech...Blaa..blaa...blaa... But too bad I have to think twice bout choosing the college where Im goin to study...Ye la..Have to think bout the fees..The place @ accomodation, The standard @ status..Wheter the college offer study loan onot...Got scholarship onot...Mana ada itu banyak punya duit mauk bayar fees...(*Darn, with my result..Mana ada chance get scholarship..Stupid laarr!!) N still..I havnt decide wat to study!!! aAaarrrhgghhgghhh!!!!

Then again..Dunno me daddy n mummy allow me go far2 away to study onot...Gosh!! Its so depressing...I really wana get out of Kuching ahh...Dun mind if I dun get to drive..I just wana be independant..No need kena 'tiaw' every minute and every hour...Dun have to hear dem nag bout not doin this, not doin that (housework especially)...Kan lebih bagus?? But..Wat if I have penyakit?? "HOME SICK"???? Yea, dun see me big2 size ahh..Im the emotional type ok...Aduh!!! Banyak nye masalah melanda!! Help!!

Dun care laa..Im just hoping that letters wud arrive my door step as soon as possible..Cannot tahan stay home liaw...

Myspace Layouts

Please dont tell me not to cry
Please dont day theres a reason why
U dont know wat Im feeling
Or how much I hurt
U think I shud go on
Forget bout it
But deep down Im sad
I dont expect U to understand why
For no reason, I broke down and cry
Please dont try to act like nothing happened
Because it changed ME forever
I will never be the same again
Not now, Not today, Not tomorrow
The best thing U can do is just be there
My friends,
Be with me as a fren instead of ignoring me
My broken heart is hurting bad
Rite now
Am just letting time to mend it
And hopefully I'll get over it.

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NOT fair or wat???!!!

I feel better now...Thankz 2 ME frenzz...Eve, Pauline, Joanna...N so as d chatterzz in IRC : #Bidayuh...Thank u soo much 4 'lecturing' me...Thankzz guyss n gurrllss...

Ok...Bck 2 d main thing...I wana go Langkawi again!!! D things der are soo damn cheap!! Frm d chocs to household stuff to liquer!! Duty free shop bah...So damn cheapAaarhhh....(!!)N i've got lotsa things dat I wished 2 buy but never did..Huhuhuu...Impian x tercapai!! But 2 bad..Lifes der SuXx..Duno y still got people stay der till today...Hrrmmm..Noting can be found der ler..Exp: Shopping complexes...I hardly found any cloth der...I guess Langkawi is only popular because of the "keindahan alam semula jadi"...Oh ya..n cheap stuff...

~The Eagle~

But...Yea..BUT(!!)...The thing iz..Der are sum stuff dat I wanted 2 buy..But never got it...Where else my other family members got it...Dats y I say NOT fair....Hopefully I dun look soo greeddy ler..Eheheh...



So....Tiz are sum of d thing dat dey got 2 buy....[4 themselve ONLY obviously]..



Daddy's : Wonder y he get tiz....Never heard of dat 'brand' ler...*ahakzz!!*But smells nice tho...





OPIUM













Hrrmmm...Photo suxx la...Bckground so dark..Weird..


Mummy's: Lancome boh!! Dats y im so jealous..Huh!! N Gucci oso...Knot laa...I oso wan!!!

















~Lancome - Treson

~Gucci - Envy Me (Lost d pic sumwhere)

I curi2 open wan...Notice d plastic wraper with d price tag still on...

Oh ya, she manage 2 seludup 7 liquer bck 2 Kuching!! 2 bad she had veli bad taste...She shud bought sumthing special...Like liquer dat 'knot-b-found-in-Kuching'...hrrmm...

*Nevermind d ppl behind, mind the LIQUER...

ME Big Brother : Both Dunhill punya...BOTH!!! Dat means he got 2!! 2 brand new perfume at a time!!!
ErrrhhhgGhh!!! Oh ya, Boz buy 4 him wan...NOT fair!!











































No commen laa...Eee!!!...Only can say dat d bottles are cool...n got nice colour...*Smells refreshing too...


ME Little Brother : Samsung k310i...haizz...Form 1 nia ordy got hp...Not dat canggih, but 4 him..Ok la...Better den mine summore..HUH!!

[Got no pic 4 tiz..malas wana cari...]

MiNE : Dun have ahh!!! Want dat Beyonce's truestar(Tommy Hilfiger) or maybe dat Anna Sui's...Wuaauwaa!!! But daddy say :" No need laa..Share wit mummy laa...Buy so many ordy..."






















But as a Choclate-Addict myself..Bought sum choclate back lo...The [Anthon Berg-Liquer Chocs] ...Sum other Cadbury chocs( oso knot find in Kuching de>>so bongap me..Never knew Cadbury got alot of other flavour...) Oh ya, N 5 box of Ferrero Rocher [did I spelled it correct??]!! WOAHh!! V'day still long way to go...





Oh ya...Got a new 'kick' oso...Muahahaahah!!! It really killss me!! Cost me 200++...Juz 4 a shoe...Ngaiti..But I Love IT!!







* Show off huh?? Well, no laa..Juz love 2 take picture..Ehhehehee...So 'sien kong' nowadays....